Self-Empathy, Ruptures and Repairs - My Journey of Discovery

Ruptures are part of life - well, they're part of my life. When I was a kid, ruptures were part of the robust, loud, expressive family dynamic. We fought, yelled, slammed doors, gave the silent treatment – adults and kids included. While I remember few of the arguments, what I remember clearly is the feeling of guilt and shame that was felt post-rupture. Either as the one who had ‘lost it’ or the one who had the experience of the other person’s guilt and shame for their behaviour. It was a lot to hold.

As an adult, I became aware that my blueprint for ruptures was that they are something to feel shameful and guilty about. My internal belief was that if I had an argument, if I yelled, if I got angry with someone, I somehow ‘failed’. Failed to keep my cool, my emotions in check, things ‘under control’… the list goes on.

I judged myself, I felt shame about how I would be perceived by the other person, I felt that connection had been threatened or lost, that I needed to withdraw, or defend myself, or to go so far towards pleasing the other person that I lost myself ‘making up’ to them for where I felt I’d ‘gone wrong’. I was holding onto guilt, self-blame, and shame long after the conflict was over (especially when my head hit the pillow. Anyone else super familiar with the shame-spiral at bedtime?).

In recent years (through mindfulness, NVC, therapy, and coaching), I’ve been exploring my relationship to ruptures, and exploring the possibility (and hope) that ruptures aren’t evidence of failure. That they don’t need to be an automatic shame-fest. I’ve been leaning into exploring that ruptures can be incubators for growth and connection.

Dr Shauna Shapiro’s work has shone a light for me in this space (link at end of blog). Specifically on the role of shame in our lives, and highlighted its antidotes – self-awareness, and self-empathy. Shapiro's work talks about how shame closes down the learning and connection centres in our brain. That we cannot grow the brain (or connections with ourselves and others) when we are sitting in a puddle of shame, blame, (self-)judgement and criticism.

Shapiro offers that the contrast to this shut-down is that we can acknowledge this turn towards shame and blame AND hold ourselves with compassion, empathy and kindness, (and, if this feels too much, we can practice ‘warm regard’ towards ourselves to start with). That with self-empathy and compassion work first towards ourselves (self-repair) we can turn towards others and truly repair and connect again with others.

By doing the work of self-empathy and self-repair, we can grow capacity in the parts of our brains that allow us to connect, to hold empathy for others, and to grow in relationship and community. It can lead to true repair, connection, and growth in our relationships with ourselves and others. To me, in my life, this has been a life-raft. One that has required exploration, understanding, and practice.

Turning around practices and beliefs that we’ve lived with for (most) of our lives isn’t simple work. It takes effort, and practice and support. That’s why this May-June we are running a 3-part series of workshops that build upon each other. We hope to create the container for exploring empathy as a pathway towards self-awareness, and self-empathy. (Check out the workshop details here: https://www.annabanas.co.nz/event-details-registration/building-healthy-relationships )

The work that Anna and I do is always empathy work. We do this work it because it’s what we have needed in our own lives. We see how transformative being held with empathy, and learning to hold ourselves in self-empathy can be.

If you are curious to learn more, join our workshop series in May and June. You’re also welcome to get in touch to have free, no-obligation chat with one of us to learn more about the work that we care so much about.

Pic of me in the backyard as a 1 year old, because it's helpful to remember her when I'm doing the self-empathy work :-)

Link to Shauna's TED Talk: https://youtu.be/IeblJdB2-Vo?si=gulCB1zCYMglK4mj